Why Floridians don’t give a fuck about tropical storms and hurricanes.

In a New York Times Times article a few days ago, the mayor of Miami expressed concern that South Florida residents were dangerously complacent in regard to a hurricane finally severing Miami-Dade off the end of the state and sending it, like a refugee on a floating door, into the ocean where it belongs. It’s human nature,” Mayor Alvarez said. “After a couple of years of nothing, you start to say, ‘It can’t hit us.’ ”

There’s that.

But the real reason South Florida residents don’t give a fuck: painful, inescapable local news coverage.

In the 48 hours leading up to a storm, several channels cut into quality programming, like Dr. Phil and Maury Povich, to bombard viewers with at least ten ever-changing possible storm tracks and footage of dipshits buying bottled water and plywood.

And then, just before it hits, it gets even worse.

1. Free Sandbag Giveaway!
Since sand is such a scarcity here on the beach, volunteers gather, wear ugly ponchos, and fill bags with the shit. Then, residents line up, show proof of residency, and greedily hoard them.

2. Them Wacky Surfers!
There are no real waves in South Florida, but when a storm approaches, it produces large, choppy, bullshit. Surfers infiltrate the beaches, even though this washing machine slop is virtually unrideable, so that they can feel like badasses. News anchors always cover this, and somehow, it’s always surprising to them.

3. Obnoxious Anchor Goes to Major Tourist Spot to Ask People What They’re Doing.
“Well, you know, I’m a teacher…they canceled school tomorrow, so I’m just taking advantage of some extra shopping time here on Lincoln Road! I can’t believe everything’s still open…even though the storm, which isn’t really going to touch us, is still like 7 hours away!”

4. Dipshit Anchor Stands Outside in an Area the Storm is Currently Passing Over.
“Yeah, it’s really rainy out here, guys. And windy! You should probably just stay home.”

Tags: broward, channel 7, fay, hurricane, hurricanes, miami, miami-dade, tropical storm, tropical storm fay