Ohio State v. USC; Columbus, OH 09/12/09

I went to OSU v. USC last weekend.

I believe the SEC to be the only half-decent conference in the NCAA. Besides, people in the Midwest are too fucking polite. I don’t think one person said an unkind word to me. Walking to the stadium at any SEC game, fans of the rival team will scream profanities at you. Five year-old girls will pelt you with cups of beer. That’s the way it ought to be.

Florida v. Miami in Gainesville, September 6, 2008.

Miami, Boca, and Ft. Lauderdale…with a Jamaican.

Karl was visiting Miami this weekend. We took him to an NBA game, an NCAA scrimmage game, and the fucking Waffle House…he’s practically an American now.

Gainesville, Florida Pictures (November 21, 2007).

I would have so much more to say about my weekend travels if I were still and sober long enough to write about them while they were happening. Instead, I’m writing about last weekend three hours before I have to go to JFK to catch a flight to Jamaica. Anyway…

Billy suggested we go to Gainesville for the Florida/Florida Atlantic game, so I flew into Ft. Lauderdale Friday and we drove up. He doesn’t give a fuck about football…and his interest in the University of Florida began and ended with his documentary about a nasty girl that was “raped” there…but he’s a sport.

Nick Harvey lives there now.

Gainesville…sort of sucks.

Buckeyes v. Illini in Columbus, Ohio (November 13, 2007).

I got to Columbus, Ohio a little before Midnight on Friday. I should’ve been there at 11 am, but Delta and JFK have a shared love of sodomy and sadism.

One of these days, I will be arrested at an airport. Delta fucked me out of my 9:00 am flight and fucked me (and 25 other people) out of our 1:40 flight. While waiting for them to reroute us, I was threatened with arrest three (3) times. I don’t think I was that bad; people from the Midwest are just too nice. A former frat boy (who apparently knows some of Jared’s friends) shook his head and muttered that his tire company would never use Delta again. A girl sobbed because she was flying to see her boyfriend and her two day trip was essentially going to be cut in half. A man with five kids in tow just sighed and shook his head as he tried to keep them entertained.

I, however, flipped out. Part of it was that I needed of cigarette. Part was that I’d been at JFK since 8:00 am. Mostly, though, I was pissed that I was wasting quality drinking time with my friends on Gameday Eve.

The bitch who neglected to announce that our 1:40 flight was boarding smirked at us. “Oh, is this amusing to you? You’re a pathetic fucking bitch. Fucking incompetent.” I berated her until she called a supervisor. The supervisor threatened me with arrest (I don’t see how yelling profanities at someone can be construed as “threatening”, but whatever), but then led us to a counter to start rerouting us. The moron rerouting me apparently didn’t know how to reissue a ticket, and in the twenty minutes that elapsed before another moron came over to help her, the flight they were going to put me on closed. And this is when I was threatened with arrest two more times. I don’t get it; I just asked her repeatedly why she was so fucking slow, if the rigorous Delta training course left out “how to reissue a ticket 101″, and when Billy called to ask how it was going, I told him (loudly and in her presence) that she “…spent so long dragging her fat fucking ass that the flight I was supposed to get on closed.”

I had a flight to Atlanta, a three hour layover there, and a connection to Columbus that didn’t leave until 10:10 pm. But I digress.

I met up with Jared and co. at a bar on High Street.

Columbus…even more fratastic with Jared there.

Miami Hurricanes Pictures (November 5, 2007).

Big college football towns are such because they don’t contain shit else in terms of distractions. Generally, there’s a scrubby, landlocked town centered around a huge school, a couple Wal-marts, and too many shitty little bars and drunken college retards to count. The climate is unpleasant (oppresively hot and humid like in Gainesville or cold and windy as shit like in Columbus), and if you drive five minutes outside the town in any direction, you roll through countless Deliverance-esque little scum villages.

UF v. Kentucky in Lexington, Kentucky Pictures (October 23, 2007).

Guys yelled, “Florida sucks on cock, bitch!” on the way to the stadium.

UF v. LSU in Baton Rouge Pictures (October 10, 2007).

Baton Rouge on gameday: where the Southern charm disappears and the overt hostility begins. It’s a fucking blast. The LSU campus turns into a sprawling village of booze-filled tents, trucks, and RV’s inhabited by 90,000+ drunk-as-fuck, shit-talking people.