“Started out hustlin’, ended up ballin’; nigga I’m the shit, get the fuck up out my toilet…”

Biggie and Tupac are dead; Wu-tang got all whiney; EPMD has had twenty “final shows” at B.B. King’s; Mobb Deep fell off and joined G-Unit…hip hop, as it was, IS dead.

It evolved, and the new shit, especially that coming from the South, is mostly abyssmal.

…but for Lil Wayne. He’s intensely arrogant, yet somehow understated. His lyrics are completely absurd, usually hilarious, and occasionally profound.

To this new era of hip hop, this album will be what The Chronic was to 90’s West Coast shit…what Ready to Die and 36 Chambers were to the East Coast.

Anyway, here’s my friend’s awesome review on Pitchfork. Probably the biggest Wayne fan on the planet.

Even the raccoons are gangsta in Harlem, and 3-1-1 remains utterly worthless.

Harlem: Sometimes-aggressive raccoons are taking over the prime streets around Central Park, and some folks are saying, well, you didn’t see raccoons until the white people started moving in. Just sayin’…

Rampaging raccoons hit Harlem

BY EDEN UNIVER
DAILY NEWS WRITER

Sunday, June 8th 2008, 4:00 AM

Some unwelcome furry friends are on the prowl uptown.

Raccoons have become the scourge of Harlem, residents say, tearing up trash bags, ruining barbecues and even threatening kids.

“We can’t even come outside,” said Dorothy Burrell, 40, who lives on W. 111th St. “It’s a dead street after 8. I had to end my barbecue early on Memorial Day.”

There are more of the oversized residents in the neighborhood than in past years, and they’ve grown more brazen.

“They’re not scared by the cars, by sounds and by noises,” said Keri Denny, 40, a postal worker who also lives on W. 111th St. “I sounded my car alarm at one and it didn’t even move.”

Harlem residents believe the raccoons live in nearby Central Park and emerge from the urban oasis to forage on nearby blocks.

Residents regularly call 311 and complain to the city’s Animal Care & Control. But officials tell them to get a private exterminator or call back if someone gets bitten.

Virgie Spann said she used to think the raccoons were just a nuisance – until they tried to get into her apartment.

“They’re very bold,” said Spann, 70. “My son had his window cracked just a bit and one almost got in.”
***************

I’m just shocked that 311 wasn’t helpful.

A year and a half ago, my ex and I broke down on the Deegan (I-87) in the South Bronx. We called a random tow company and were told that each stretch of highway in NYC was contracted out to ONE specific tow company; no other companies could interfere.

…but they couldn’t- or wouldn’t- tell us which tow company had our stretch. They suggested we call 311.

311 had no information whatsoever. They suggested we call the cops to come sit with us while we tried each of the 500 tow companies in the city and found the one that handled our stretch of the Deegan.

After calling 20 or so companies, one finally sighed and gave me the name of the company that had our stretch of highway.

We rode with the tow truck driver to a car repair shop up around 220th Street (North Bronx). As we passed the scummy crack motels along I-95, he told me about various sexual affairs he’d carried out in many of them. And then, I asked how his tow company had gotten so lucky in obtaining much of the Deegan.

“I’ll tell you this,” he said, smirking. “There are a lotta government employees making thirty, forty thousand a year and driving new Mercedes and BMWs.”

NYC: “still the one pool where I’d happily drown.”

New York is fucking crazy.

A real friendship in NYC is codependent by definition. Good friends are the only way to maintain some sense of stability in such a dynamic, demanding environment. It’s like that shitty sitcom, Friends, except instead of a few irritating douchebags sitting around drinking coffee in a lame neighborhood, we are a network of intoxicated, wound-up social machines. And chaos and craziness are so ingrained in our psyches that to feel calm or- God forbid- bored feels patently inorganic.

If you know me, you’ve heard me bitch about the city pretty consistently for the past few years. I left for ten days before I had to rush back for a city refuel- it felt like a year.

My pathetic week-and-a-half separation gave me clarity.

I love the city. It’s in my blood, and nothing else will ever fit me as well. I was an outcast for most of my life, and NYC opened its cold, dirty arms to me and said, “It’s cool…come here. We’re all fucking neurotic, psychotic, sordid, needy, draining, absurd, and cynical. You’ll totally fit in here. Deadpan humor is an aphrodisiac to the opposite sex. Your quirkiness and intensity…and yes, your sketchy, dangerous vacation tendencies…will be celebrated rather than condemned. Oh, and bars are open ’til 4 am!”

(Crazy taxis.)

That said, I need to study. I need to be bored. I need to be so uninspired by my surroundings that I don’t even really want to go out.

(Central Park Zoo Benefit, Tuesday night. Our chief concern was handling the 9-1 open bar in such a way that we wouldn’t black out later at Bungalow 8.)

In my three days in the city, two people asked me to photograph parties for them this weekend, two people asked me to go to the Hamptons, and honestly, if I’d chosen to stay, I would’ve.

(Yankees game, Thursday afternoon. I hate baseball; it’s excruciatingly boring. But with months until football season, what else is there? We left in the 9th; Yanks pulled it out with a homer at the end. Oh, well.)

But I left. For now.

The Block is Hot. No, literally. This always happens in Harlem in the summer.

8 are Wounded in Shootings in Harlem

By ERIC KONIGSBERG and CHRISTINE HAUSER
Published: May 27, 2008

Eight people were shot and wounded late Monday night in Harlem, the police said. Most of the victims were found along a stretch of Lenox Avenue north of 125th Street.

Authorities flooded the area north of 125th Street and Lenox Avenue and blocked off streets as they searched for suspects.

The police said they received a call just after 10 p.m. of a large group of young people leaving Marcus Garvey Park — which is located near Lenox between 120th and 124th Streets — and as the group moved north, shots were fired.

Since the victims were found at different locations, the police were piecing together exactly where each of the shootings took place. A 25-caliber bullet casing was found at the foot of the subway station at 125th St and Lenox Ave.

The police taped off areas near 125th Street and Lenox Avenue, including in front of the Adam Clayton Powell Jr. State Office Building, across from H&M clothing store, as well as just north of 125th Street. Traffic was diverted, and the sidewalks and streets in the area were mostly empty after midnight.

According to an Emergency Medical Services spokesman, the first shooting was reported to authorities at 10:14 p.m., with another at 10:17, two more at 10:19, and two more still at 10:24.

The spokesman said the reports appeared to have come from different locations in the vicinity, including one at 131st Street and Frederick Douglass Boulevard.

There were several places where victims were picked up by paramedics, including at the intersections of Lenox Avenue and 126th, 129th, 130th and 131st Streets; at 131st Street and Adam Clayton Powell Jr. Boulevard; and on 125th Street at the Adam Clayton Powell State Office Building.

An 18-year-old man was either shot or stabbed in the back and was found lying on a bench at 125th and Lenox, the authorities said.

Officers were checking with hospitals in the area to see if anyone else sought treatment.

A male victim with a gunshot wound to the chest was involved in an apparently unrelated shooting at 131st Street and Lenox Avenue, according to police.

The other seven victims appeared to be in stable condition, the authorities said. They also said that all but one of the victims were male, one of them appeared to be 13 and another appeared to be 16.

They said that they did not know what prompted the shootings, and had not captured anyone as of early Tuesday.

The Police Department ordered scores of officers into the area to hunt for any assailants and to control crowds that had formed on the streets.
************************************

Two summers ago, after a parade, I passed two bodies walking from Lenox and 125th to 133rd. When I passed the second body, a teenage girl outside said, “See? We ain’t even gotta go upstairs to watch CSI…that shit’s happening right here!”

So wrong…but I had to laugh a little.

When the temperature rises, so does the rate of violent crime…that’s why violent crime is so much more prevalent in the South.

One night last June, a friend visiting from Boston urged me to crash at our mutual friend’s place on the Upper West Side rather than commuting back up to Harlem. I finally agreed to*, and the next morning I discovered that, at roughly the same time I would’ve gone home, there had been six shootings within a few blocks of my apartment:

(I’m the red “x”, obviously.)

P.S.
I don’t see why the police are investigating. This is really the best way to solve crimes.

P.P.S. That’s a really crappy Harlem shooting picture. Mine are always crappy, too…but at least I capture some of the essence of the situation. Community members watching the cops mill about:

…or reporters:

…or something.

*None of those bullets would’ve hit me, though. Maybe I’m biased, but shootings in Harlem are typically at specific targets; none of that three-year-old-in-a-minivan-struck-by-a-stray-bullet shit you hear about in the Bronx. (Barring, of course, instances like last night’s open firing psycho and post-parade madness.)

And sadly, while the acquittal of Sean Bell’s murderers did not, as Al Sharpton promised, “shut the city down,” the shooting of a white girl in Harlem certainly would.

Like that time a couple years ago, when the Jewish guy wandered off the MetroNorth at 125th, on his cell phone, dicking with his iPod, head up his ass…was jumped by a couple thug kids…and RAN INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC! That story was in the Post for weeks. Some kid actually brought that shit up in one of my classes last semester as a black-on-Jew hate crime!

They call ‘em flyover states for a reason.

I don’t know why I thought I liked road trips; I have a bladder the size of a pea (meaning, I constantly have to stop to pee) and I’m an invariably angry driver. Also, I find any part of this country outside of a major metro area (other than the Northeast) to be incredibly banal and depressing.

The drive from NYC to Miami should take roughly 20 hours; due to weather and traffic, mine took roughly 30. Here’s a synopsis of the experience I had driving through the shitty states between New York and Florida:

GTA 4: a whole lot of profundity in one violent, nihilistic, misogynistic (super sweet) video game.

Grand Theft Auto 4 paints one of the most accurate, insightful portraits of NYC as it is today.

…I mean, if Giuliani hadn’t “cleaned it up.”

Still, the descriptions of the boros in the game mirror the thoughts running through every New Yorker’s mind on a daily basis.

New Yorkers who (a) aren’t exceedingly rich; or (b) weren’t born and raised here are constantly conflicted about remaining here. Recently, a lawyer friend (and fellow Southerner) summed it up beautifully:

“Sometimes, I walk around in awe and think, ‘Man, I live in New York City!’ Other days, though, I walk around and think, ‘Fuck, I’m in New York City! Get me the fuck outta here- I miss my yard and my dog!’”

GTA.

Algonquin (Manhattan):
*tall buildings; angry people.

(Financial District, October 2006. It’s hard not to be angry when you pass the WTC site every day on the way to the office.)

*better in the movies.

(Rose Bar, March 2008. Are YOU a member?)

*expensive, snooty, and over.

(Upper West Side, August 2006. Comically oversized sunglasses are requisite.)

*self-proclaimed center of everything.

(Bungalow 8; June 2007. Where the creme de la creme come to smoke cigarettes and look smug.)

******************************************

Broker (Brooklyn):
*churches, hipsters, and housing projects.

(Brownsville, Brooklyn; October 2006. Little kid throwing up a sign.)

*desperate try-hards.

(Redhook, Brooklyn, March 2008. You better hope you like folk bands and Guinness.)

*gentrifying, but still rough.

(Bed Stuy, Brooklyn, May 2007. Biggie’s flipping in his grave, but at least the Williamsburg overspill gets hassled.)

*still bridge and tunnel.
(Park Slope, Brooklyn, September 2006. Flanked by two bridges and a tunnel, but fuck, there’s a Target!)

*suddenly fashionable; no one’s sure why.

(Williamsburg, Brooklyn; 2006. Because the real hipsters can no longer afford Manhattan.)

******************************************

Dukes (Queens):

*multicultural ghettoes.

(Queens; June 2007.)

*i’ve heard it’s nice, but i’ve never been.

*i think my maid lives there.

*best thing is the airport.

(Queens; June 2007. And the airport ain’t all that pleasant.)

*like the suburbs, only worse.

(Jamaica, Queens; July 2007. All the sprawl; none of the ball.)
******************************************

Bohan (Bronx):

*be afraid.

(Leland Ave., Bronx, August 2006.)

*practically upstate.

(East Tremont Ave., Bronx, May 2007. Practically upstate; definitely decrepit.)

*great for shootings.

*where is that again?

(Pelham Bay 6 train station, Bronx, August 2006.)

*ripe for redevelopment.

(View from the 6 train, Bronx, August 2006.)

******************************************

Alderney (New Jersey):
*bring your passport.

(Inbound Holland Tunnel, August 2007. And make sure you have a couple hours to blow while you wait in traffic.)

*industrial wasteland meets suburban hell.

(Izod Arena, Meadowlands, New Jersey; December 2007. I only ever go to NJ for Nets games.)

*soccer moms and suvs.

*taxes are low, but not low enough.

(Inbound George Washington Bridge, August 2007. And now, the bridges and tunnels are $8!)

*strip malls and condos.

That said, tomorrow I will be peacing out to Miami for the summer.

Uh, I had the Hornets going all the way.

Stupidly. I knew they were a young team; one that would crumble, Knicks-style, in the 3rd and 4th against the Spurs’ sick defense. One that would take a million impractical 3 pointers in a row whilst fouling the shit out of Ginobili.

…not that I could resist elbowing this motherfucker, either.

And on the subject of the Knicks…

I’m starting to think D’Antoni is exactly what we needed. Sure, he’s used to a much stronger offense, and I think the Knicks will still suck for the next couple seasons, but he’s going to do what every Knicks fan whined that Isiah didn’t:

(a) Drop Marbury like a bad habit.

(b) Make sure Curry and Robinson know they aren’t safe, either; and

(c) Aim for Lebron or D. Wade in 2010.

Overheard in New York.

A friend of mine started this hilarious website years ago.

I love it, because these overheard conversations are the total embodiment of everything I love and hate about NYC.

The first two are mine.

Some People Have Pride in Their Work

Conductor: Dyckman Street’s next.
Teen boy who kicked down the door of the back car and got on the intercom: Yeah, motherfucker! Dyckman Street’s next, nigga!

–1 train near 191st

Where You Save a Quarter on Your Soda, and Then Get Mugged for Both

Kid, looking at $0.25 soda: Man! These be $0.50 in Queens!
Dad: Yeah, that’s why you gotta come to the Boogie Down Bronx.

–Deli, Taylor Ave

Other Cities Just Say They’re the Greatest in the World

Frat tourist guy: Hey! I just hailed a New York City cab!
New Yorker, jumping into cab: I just stole your cab!

–Bleecker & Hudson

That’s Right, 25 Became the New 30 Last Week

Guy: We are such yuppies.
Girl: What’s a yuppie?
Guy: It stands for Young Urban Professional.
Girl: Oh, I thought it just meant anyone who lives in New York who’s under the age of 25.

–Angelika, Houston Street

And finally…

Twentysomething guy: The quality of life here is so bad…I mean, if you enjoy drinking all night and having random sex, you’ll like living in New York.

–5th Ave & 9th St

In Florida, the farther north you go, the further South you are.

Mayors Want To Split Florida Into Two States
NORTH LAUDERDALE, Fla. (CBS) ― The City of North Lauderdale is taking a tough stance on home rule, and spearheading an effort to split Florida into two states, CBS station WFOR-TV in Miami reports.

They have passed a resolution, asking that a boundary line to split South Florida from the rest of the state be drawn at the Palm Beach County line. They’re taking it so seriously that they want counties in South Florida, such as Miami-Dade, Broward, and Monroe to join in supporting them.

This is about money and politics. Here’s an example: If an orange represents the Florida budget, the mayors of these two South Florida cities say we contribute two slices, but only get one slice back.

“This is South Florida’s Boston Tea Party,” said Margate Mayor, Pam Donovan.

Mayor Donovan and North Lauderdale Mayor Jack Brady feel like patriots. They are floating the unusual idea to take South Florida’s beaches, residents, schools and everything else, and create a South Florida State. The reason is because they say South Florida bears an unequal burden–paying more in taxes than this region gets back.

Obviously, this will never happen, but Florida is already two separate states.

There’s Miami:

…and then there’s the rest of it.

(Sadly, I am from the rest of it.)

What I did with my Batman Dark Knight Chase Figure. (Because there’s no sweeter taste than that of nerd tears.)

Holy smoke, Batman!